Where do I even begin? Here’s why depression is so hard to understand:
- Depression looks different to everyone. Pain is felt in different ways, to different degrees, and provokes different responses.
- There is no right or wrong way to have depression, or to have a panic attack, or to feel suicidal.
- You can be a depressive and be happy, just as you can be a sober alcoholic.
- Depression is an illness. Yet it doesn’t come with a rash or a cough.
- It is mysterious even to those who suffer from it.
People throw out “Ugh, I’m so depressed” the way they would say they’re hungry. A bad day, a bad event, or a bad mood is often interchangeable with someone “having depression”, which is where I think the problem stems from. Being sad, even being very sad, is not the same as having depression. The same goes for feeling anxious. Everyone feels sad, and everyone feels anxious. But being diagnosed with one or the other is worlds apart from going through a rough or stressful or upsetting situation for a few weeks. Mental illness is a clinical illness, but we haven’t quite gotten there yet as a society. You are no less or more of a man or a woman or a human for having depression than you would be for having cancer or cardiovascular disease or a car accident.
Things people say to depressives that they don’t say in other life-threatening situations: Why do you think you got cancer of the stomach? – Yes, yes, your leg is on fire, but talking about it all the time isn’t going to help things, is it? – Ah, meningitis. Come on, mind over matter.
Things often taken into consideration as falling under the same category are things like postpartum depression or someone being prescribed medication for a short length of time to help cope with something like a death or a divorce. This is depression that generally goes away with time because it’s driven by an outside factor. No one would handle the death of someone close to them well, so it makes sense that they could use a little bit of push with the help of medication.
Here’s something else to remember. Never say “pull yourself together” or “cheer up” unless you’re going to provide detailed, foolproof instructions. Educate yourself. Understand, above all, that what might seem easy to you – going to a shop, for instance – might be an impossible challenge for a depressive.