Every Question You Ever Wanted to Ask: Answered

This is what happens when you’re an overachiever and have absolutely ZERO to do. (Props to Funny Questions to Ask for what I stole.) What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to? Baseball. Maybe that way, it wouldn’t be the most boring sport in the world. If your five-year-old self suddenly found Read More

Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?

That’s the mood I’m in today. You know how humans are said to have 60,000 thoughts a day? Or something like that. I feel like I’m probably closer to about a million. So much random shit goes through my head ALL DAY that it’s really no surprise that I’m so mentally fucked up. Here’s just Read More

The Abandoned Dog, Two Fish, and a Cat Idea

I’m aware the post title sounds like a Dr. Seuss book, but it’ll all come together. Promise. I’m at that age where every family gathering starts with “Are you thinking about marriage? Kids?”, and every other Facebook post is an engagement shoot or babies arranged adorably in a basket to create the illusion that they’re Read More

Cat Videos are to you what Ellen DeGeneres is to me

Right now, I feel like I’ve been just swimming in anxiety all day. I stayed home from work and moved from my bed to my couch. When I couldn’t hold it anymore, I got up to pee. And watched Making a Murderer again because I’ve seen everything else worth watching on Netflix. Then I had Read More