Welcome everyone. I told myself I’d come back to writing, which I clearly seem to tell myself often due to the time lapses in each post.. but this time, I was basically peer pressured into it, and this is going to take a lot in me to do, but I wanted to get something down.
So >> 2020. We’re just gonna skip. Summary: As an introvert, I love working from home, and I love not needing to find an excuse to stay home. Also, just the pj’s. LOVE not showering.
2021, thus far, has been very much a continuation of 2020. Not because Covid’s still here or because politics still suck or because everyone now just really doesn’t like cops.. but because my life has continued to be a shit show of a mess. Where to even start?
First off, I’m still in Rogers (my go-to treatment place when I start to plan my suicides again), which has been great, although I’m nearing the end there because insurance is the devil itself. This time around, treatment’s been virtual, which again, makes it so much easier, although I think I would have liked this one to have been in person. There’s definitely some cool dudes, some super supportive people, and even a few days so good that suicide DIDN’T cross my mind (Props to Vraylar!) I go back to work next week, and although they have thankfully been super super accommodating by letting me stay in Rogers a little bit longer, so that I can transition, it’s been giving me a FUCK ton of anxiety. I love my job, but I know how demanding it can be, and I don’t feel ready at all to jump into that. I’ve looked into maybe booking a room at a psych ward and quitting work and life altogether, but they don’t seem to allow that.. they generally want you to have committed a crime first.
Prior to all that, the NHL released a statement that Jonathan Toews would be out indefinitely due to an undisclosed illness. 1. Indefinitely? Really? You don’t think people are maybe gonna want some sort of explanation, especially since you see that umm.. never? 2. Don’t play that shit. You announce every fucking concussion or knee surgery, and now you’re gonna throw in a random illness? And leave it at that? You know how I feel about my Johnny. I was already going through a suicidal spell at the time, so Tommy didn’t even tell me for days. Last night, something somewhere said he has ALS. Not confirmed, but immediately started bawling. To think that his career might be over, after knowing the kind of dedication that man has put into hockey and the talent that would be wasted, crushes my soul. And writing this made me cry about it all over again. My Rogers skills should tell me to stop catastrophizing and wait until there’s concrete info, but there are no words as to how I feel about that man.
The next day, some family shit came up that I was not ready for. Out of respect for them, I won’t get into it, but wanted to mention it because it’s probably the most contributing factor to my newly frequent panic attacks.
In the next few days, (everyone still with me?), it was announced that Alexi Laiho, the man that IS Children of Bodom, a band I’ve seen somewhere around 114 times, frontman and greatest guitarist of all time, had passed away at 41. Ongoing medical conditions for years. Another somewhat stranger, but one whose been a part of my life for 14 years, so I bawled my eyes out. And took way too many shots in his honor.
Finally, like 15 fucking minutes after all this other bullshit had happened, and something else I won’t get into details, but I received a message that I had waited for for about 7 years. It was an unexpected message from someone who had ruined my life and haunted me until this day. It was the message I had wanted and needed to hear back then, and while it was an incredible feeling to get it, it was a LOT to process. Timing was way, way off on that one.
So.. today is January 28th.. think we can fit anything else into the month before it ends?
