Every time I log back into this site, and I read the post I wrote just prior to the one I’m about to write, it’s absolutely comical. One of my doctors has me take note of how I’m feeling between appointments, so I write everything down because it all just blends together. After being baffled at how bad today has been, it became something I wanted to share. It’s no secret I talk a lot about my mental health, but I feel that a glimpse like this paints a much clearer picture of how much of a nightmare this can be.
Tues: go into appt and explain the panic attack I had and the great moods but crippling anxiety I’ve been having every day.. told me it’s likely I’ve been misdiagnosed (fucking 15 years ago) because I am and have been displaying a lot of bipolar signs.. lowers my antidepressants and has me do bloodwork.. can’t sleep for shit after that because I’m physically shaking.
Weds: woke up a ton and woke up really close to tears.. very anxious about going into work, and no amount of Xanax feels like enough.. Google bipolar and realize he was probably right and so wanna cry again.. made it through the day, but still anxious and actually took way more Xanax than I generally do and it still felt like it did absolutely nothing.. felt semi calm at night, but probably because I drank.
Thurs: tried new melatonin and only woke up once.. working on staying calm at work with spa music and breathing, and it’s alright so far.. girls outing went well, but again, drunk.
Fri: productive day at work and felt almost okay, but probably because I didn’t leave my desk.. got into an anxious funk of being super sad in the afternoon, and it stayed.. so anxious that I got nauseous in the evening.
Sat and Sun: so unbelievably insecure and no idea where it came from.. bat shit crazy and cried at least 4 separate times.
Mon: off work and fun with fam, but also mentally sad the entire time.. they also told me that OF COURSE I’m bipolar.. started crying immediately when I went to drive home and then it continued the entire night until somehow fell asleep.
Tues: stayed home from work because there was no way I would make it through the day.. entire day felt depressed as shit and like I was gonna cry any second, which I tried not to because I knew it wouldn’t stop.. xmas movie was semi helping, but also anxious the entire time about everything under the sun.
Weds: didn’t sleep well again.. physically insanely uncomfortable even though I’ve been taking extra Xanax again and horrified about going to work.. antisocial there and counting down until I can be on the couch and alone.
Thurs: didn’t sleep, so woke up and started cleaning.. didn’t hate Tommy.. visibly better mood in the morning, and work seemed a little better.
Friday: had awful dreams and feeling super insecure.. worried about my weigh in, relationships, work, literally everything.. incredibly bad day at work because I let dumb little things allow me to spiral.. holding in crying all day and started bawling violently the second I got home and continued until I fell asleep.. hated Tommy’s existence for no real reason.. woke up around 1 am and didn’t fall back asleep.
Sat: woke up painfully painfully sad.. forced myself to go to Walgreens and Michael’s by basically bribing myself and saying that if I didn’t go, something would happen to my siblings.. went but teared up the whole time and physically felt so uncomfortable and like I needed to get the fuck out of there.. feel incredibly hopeless about the next appt because I know that any kind of med changes are going to make me stay this bad.. Xmas movie didn’t do the trick, second option made me cry, and it wasn’t until Dexter that I felt like I could try to sleep.
I don’t even know how to explain where I’m at because I don’t know. I know that there’s no getting around what comes next. Every time I switch meds or up or lower what I’m taking, there’s that 2-3 week period of absolutely unexplainable misery. So now that my antidepressant is being lowered, my anxiety isn’t actually anxiety, so is there a point to the Xanax that isn’t working, my levels of whatever are low and need to be increased, but I’ll probably need to add a med for the bipolar. This has only been one small change, and I haven’t had this hard of a time functioning in YEARS.. which is almost a bad thing because it’s been so long that no one’s realizing how fucking hard it is right now. I’m not ready to feel any worse, and I’m honestly horrified of the next month.