Death is the one thing in life that is absolutely guaranteed, yet it’s the one thing that no one’s figured out how to prepare for.
I know this is a miserable as fuck post. But I’ve been bawling all morning and had to come out. I found out a few hours ago that my uncle passed away last night and, not sure why, but very quickly after, I realized I wanted to write about it. He lived in Poland, was my Godfather, and I only saw him a few times a decade, but I have so so much emotion surrounding his passing. It was an out of the blue severe heart attack, and he was only 57.
My uncle was my dad’s brother.. his older and only brother after they lost their other brother, Edward, years ago when he was killed in a truck accident. The two of them also rarely saw each other, but the times our family Skyped, it was clear in the way that they spoke to each other that, although far away, they had a sincerely close bond. My dad isn’t one with emotion, but my heart breaks to think about what it can possibly feel like to lose both your brothers tragically. It also pains to hear how much my grandma is suffering. No one should have to outlive their children, let alone multiple.
I always had a soft spot for my Wujek Romek. Maybe because he looks and sounds exactly like my dad. Maybe cause he’s my Godfather and made cute little efforts to make me feel special the few times I saw him. I was under the impression he was alone for so long that even seeing him made me wanna hug him and not let go. He came to Chicago to visit a while, and I wish he’d just stayed. As sad as it is that he’s gone, I hope that he’s more at peace now than he was before.
I want to address Poland as a whole. The last time we were there was 2015 and have plans to go in 2019 for my cousin’s wedding. Which is now even more up in the air. Sadly, it’s one of those bitter sweet things that I’m never fully able to enjoy. While my mom’s side of the family is mainly here, my dad’s side of the family is mostly there. Going there, knowing that in two weeks, you’ll have to say goodbye to family you won’t see for at least another five years and to family you may never see again, never feels like a vacation. We’ve also lost so much family there that a trip to the cemetery by the church around the corner is a must. It’s devastating to do and sounds stupid to force yourself to cry, but it’s family and they deserve that much respect.
I’m from a small farm town outside of Tarnow. Personally, I love the feel of going back to where I was born, where my parents grew up across the street from each other and fell in love as babies, where so much of my earliest childhood memories exist on the same block. Yet I’ve had this conversation with other Polaks who agree and make me feel less like an asshole for saying this: Poland is a sad place. People are struggling, no one ever seems happy, and everyone drinks too much. I love love love seeing them, but I hate going there because I hate knowing that I can’t do more for my family to give them a better life. I hate that my grandma has been saying goodbye every time we’ve visited for the last 20 years because “it’ll be the last time”. Every trip to the Krakow airport ends in 10 hours of tears. And then more when you get home because you feel like you’ve abandoned them all over again.
RIP Wujek Romek. I love you.