This blog wasn’t supposed to be all about depression, but when I look back, I realize that at least half, if not more, of my posts are somehow related to it. When I said it didn’t define me as a person but played a role in my daily life, I guess that’s exactly what I meant. I’ve been in such a mindfuck lately, and the more I think about it or the more I’m asked about it, the angrier I get at my own self. I’ve been in a bad spell for months, but for some reason, nothing makes anything better.
Looking at the last week alone, I should be on cloud fucking 85. My GoFundMe has more then exceeded my expectations – both financially and with the amount of support. I had an amazing talk with my parents about it. On Tuesday, I went to the Hawks game – which is one of my happy places AND my boo scored the winning goal. I was off work on Wednesday and got to Netflix binge all day. On Friday, I’m going to see Demi Lovato. So naturally, the question to ask is “What the fuck could you be depressed about?” And the thing that sucks most about this illness is that I DON’T KNOW.
I’ve been in a funk all week. I made it through the game because I was hammered. I didn’t leave my house on Wednesday – pretty sure I barely turned on any lights. I barely answer my texts, let alone initiate any kind of conversation. Work has been impossible to get through because I can barely force myself to answer calls or be proactive in my cases. Another thing – I’m not even remotely excited about Demi, who is pretty much my favorite human being on the face of the earth, because it sounds draining and I would prefer to lay on my couch. I’m depressed as FUCK.
Then friends ask how they can help – and I have no answer. If I did, I’d be doing it. Then they feel bad they can’t help and feel like they’re not doing enough. Then I feel guilty for making them feel that way. See where I’m going with this? On paper, I have it all right now. Yet I feel lower than I have in months. #mindfuck
I’m also gonna use this post to share a video I found that very simply, but effectively, explains the difference between “clinical depression” and “I’m feeling depressed”. In recent events, I think it’s something that needs to be explained. People closest to me have heard this and much more. They’ve kinda had to because I’ve been a nutcase for so long that they’re basically like “What the fuck is wrong with you, you smart, hilarious, beautiful bitch?” (their words – not mine.. duh) But if it’s still unclear to anyone, despite all my ranting, help yourself. Depression vs Sadness
We had an amazing time at Demi last night. So proud that you made yourself go out, and you need to post that video of her. It is one of the most inspirational speeches I’ve seen in person. I hope you are feeling better today, knowing that you are not the only person feeling the way you do. Demi is a perfect example! Love you Ang 🙂