Cat Videos are to you what Ellen DeGeneres is to me

Right now, I feel like I’ve been just swimming in anxiety all day. I stayed home from work and moved from my bed to my couch. When I couldn’t hold it anymore, I got up to pee. And watched Making a Murderer again because I’ve seen everything else worth watching on Netflix. Then I had to turn it off during the 3rd episode because I forgot how much I hate that fucking prosecution team. But it’s getting late, so I shouldn’t take anymore drugs, presently have no booze in my house, so I guess writing it is. I have so much negative bullshit at the tip of my tongue, so I’m gonna roll the other way with it and go with things that make me smile at least a little bit.

The Ellen Show: The moment I come home and know there’s an episode waiting for me on the DVR immediately brightens my mood. That bitch is an anti-depressant in and of herself.

Candles: The basic bitch in me spends so much money on that shit that I need to figure out how to make my own. There’s something so calming about it.. pretty sure the only time I don’t have one lit is when I’m asleep. And that’s only because I don’t have renter’s insurance.

Pizza: This doesn’t need much of an explanation. It’s pizza. Even if you’re lactose intolerant, gluten free, vegan, or on a diet, you will break your own rules for that shit. I’ve seen it done on many occasions, so I guess the shits are totally worth it.

Holidays that allow for days off: I don’t mean Christmas. I’m talking about the ones no one genuinely gives many fucks about except for the fact that on Columbus Day, you don’t need to set an alarm. You get to stay in bed for an extra 3-4 hours cause some dude “discovered America”.

Water: And I don’t mean Aquafina. Put me on a boat, a raft, or an inner tube, and I’ll be content floating for hours. I love the ocean (news flash!), but I can make do with a river or clean-ish lake or a backyard pool. Now if only I could get the same kind of effect from my tub, maybe I would bathe more often.

Dolphins:  Which makes sense with the water thing. Probably my spirit animal. Or I was one in a past life. They always look like they’re smiling. And they’re so gorgeous and graceful. I’m obsessed with the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, and if you haven’t seen Dolphin Tale 1 and 2, go watch it. The day I go swim with dolphins will absolutely be the highlight of my life.

The conversations that occur at my parent’s house: You haven’t lived until you’ve been around my family. The day my mother said “Talk shit, spit blood” to my brother.. should be a national holiday. Or when she suggested that I should calm down and try weed. Or instead of just showering, someone announces that they have to go wash their vagina. Or how my father sings the Canadian national anthem when he cleans, but has no idea what the Star Spangled Banner is. I love them.

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