See what I did there.. worked real hard on that title. I wanted to blog about this because I generally have in the past when I try something new for my depression, so I didn’t wanna discriminate.
My friend volunteers for a group where they raise money for veterans to be able to afford a treatment called Stellate Ganglion Block (SGB). It’s new, with limited clinics in the world, and meant for people experiencing PTSD, anxiety, and depression at high levels. When she suggested it to me, I was like SIGN ME UP. It wasn’t cheap, but my father and boyfriend graciously offered to help me pay for it. As with everything, I went into it skeptically because in the past, things with high rates of success haven’t worked for me. (Guess how this story ends? Dun dun dun.)
Last week, I went in for my first treatment. I was put under anesthesia and stabbed in the neck. Don’t ask me why that’s where it goes; I’ll let you stab me in the eye at this point. After leaving and for the almost the next week, my feelings were uncontrollable. I cried ALL day. One spell ended and then another started. My thoughts were more anxious than I recall having in months and months. I was told this was possible as a “release” of all your emotions flooding in at once, but this was unreal. I called the woman I had been in touch with, who said she would escalate it to the doctor. He then said that I needed to come in immediately for a second dose. (I didn’t explain that part. Some people get by with one shot, but for those who are super fucked up, there’s an option for a second round. That’s it though.) So I signed up to go in yesterday (Thursday).
This made me feel like shit. If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll know that this was not the first thing I’ve tried. I felt like I would never be okay and that nothing would ever fucking work for me. I felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life, hoping to die. I, of course, immediately agreed to going in. When I asked the doctor what the chances were of this second round working, he told me that if the first one didn’t help, the chances of this one helping were 50%. No offense Doc, but I don’t wanna hear that shit. It was very very hard to be positive after hearing that. I gamble. I know what 50/50 means. When it comes to my life and my future, it wasn’t enough.
I came home yesterday after the dose and realized I was having the same thoughts that I had had the first time around, which made me cry. It was not as bad, but I could tell that my thought pattern was too similar. Today, I’m not sure how to describe. I woke up feeling depressed and anxious, but I knew I had to get up to work.. from home, thankfully. I made my coffee and breakfast and started my work day. I prepped some dishes and took out some stuff for dinner. For a few moments, I even felt positive. I had only cried twice before 11, so that was a win. I’m crying as I’m sitting here writing this because I hate how hard I have to work. I hate how out of control my day to day life is. I go out of my way to try anything that comes my way, only to be disappointed again. However, I promise not to give up on this treatment just yet.