That’s a Good Day

Being severely depressed means that my good day is a most likely a complete 180 than what yours is. The days I don’t have a single suicidal thought.. that’s a good day. Unlike “normal” people, not wanting to kill myself is an accomplishment. This took me about a month to put together because the good days are, unfortunately, far and few in between.  

1. I allowed myself to get TWO large coffees WITH that delicious Dunkin’ cream and not feel guilty about how much extra fat I’m having. That’s a good day.

2. Walking across the train tracks in the morning, my immediate thought wasn’t my standard hope that maybe this would be the day that the train didn’t stop on time. That’s a good day.

3. A co-worker knew I was not in the best of moods, but commented that I was smiling through it either way. So, instead of sitting in my cubicle all day per usual, I made an effort to make conversation with some co-workers. That’s a good day.

4. I woke up in tears and every part of me wanted to call off work. I knew I would have an easy day, so I forced myself to go in. I wasn’t nearly as productive as I should have been, but I made it through the day and only teared up twice. That’s a good day.

5. The only things going through my mind today are the least painful ways I could commit suicide. Instead of Googling and driving myself into a deeper spiral, I focused on having my friends talk to me about their days to get my mind out of the rut.. if even for a little bit. That’s a good day.

6. A few months ago, I physically wrote out how much of my life insurance would be left for my siblings after my parents paid off my school debt and funeral costs. This morning, I deleted that outline. That’s a good day.

7. I went to my weigh-in and gained weight because of my period. Instead of being negative, I was proud that I hadn’t eaten my feelings that week even though I’d been pretty suicidal. That’s a good day. 

8. When my friends want to be social, and I force myself to do it (without being visibly upset) even though I’m dying inside. That’s a good day. 

9. When I wake up, actually do my hair, and put on an outfit that makes me feel and look like a human being. That’s a good day. 

10. When I’m able to use coping skills to talk myself through my raging anxiety without taking it out on anyone, overdosing, or crying. That’s a good day.