The last few months have been INSANE. Between moving and having every fucking weekend in between booked with shit, I’ve had no time to breathe, let alone write. Yesterday, however, deserves a post. Or I just need to vent.
Hearing the news that Demi was taken to the hospital for a drug overdose more than just shattered me. Having to read the words “she’s breathing” isn’t something I handled very well because what other fucking option does she have?? I was legit scrubbing my old apartment kitchen on my knees and sobbing my ass off. And driving back to the new place yesterday, it took a lot in me not to run through a red light every time I saw a semi coming.
Demi has been my rock, role model, and savior since the Camp Rock days. The more she opened up, the more I fell in love with her. Her raw honesty made her much less of a pop star and much more of an actual human. She’s so easy to love because the amount of lives she’s touched and people she’s helped is insane. Granted I don’t have the talent or the beauty, my mental health, self esteem, and (slight) addiction issues go hand in hand with hers. Learning specific details of her past that we had in common made her all the more relatable. I’ve often been questioned on “what it is I had to be so miserable about”, so seeing someone like Demi feeling the same way I had for years finally answered questions I’ve had for too long – depression really has no face.
I saw her in concert about a week before her 6th year sober anniversary. She was SO fucking proud of herself and the cheers made it obvious that we were all even more proud. When she relapsed just a few months later on what appeared to be just alcohol, I was crushed. I’m not one to talk because when I saw the headline yesterday, I hit the tequila bottle as if it were water. But for someone who was able to stay so strong for so long, it made me feel for her in a way that I would never feel for myself. In traditional Demi style, she released “Sober”, confirming the worst. The lyrics to the song were heart breaking and seeing her break down performing it was even worse.
Seeing where things have turned, I literally feel like I’m sitting outside her hospital room, waiting for what happens next. At the end of Sober, she promises to get help, and I have to know that she will. She’s pulled through before and I have no doubt she can do it again. But I also have to know that I’ve been in her shoes. I’ve been where it’s easier to numb yourself than deal. And I’ve been where you wonder if it’s worth working your ass off for it to be easier, only to know that you can fall back down any second of the day.
“I don’t know anyone who has addiction issues who hasn’t relapsed at least a few times. And one of them told me that they think it’s horrible we see addiction like that. That in reality every day is a new struggle and every day restarts and we need to quit acting like 3 years sober is different than 3 days sober because we live in days and not years. It’s not a win streak that matters. It’s the overall record.”